The Varied Creations of Bruce Narbaitz

I am stuck in Original Sine,
Sinusoidal uncertainty about my own trust-ability.
Trickier than trigonometry: Am I able to trust me?
Am I worthy of my own confidence,
Or is that the Original Mistake (due to the Original Sin)?
Is my intuition to be trusted? Or is busted?

I hate being in this state, where I undulate endlessly
Up and down, up and down,
And still I’ve found no clarity.

Christianity has some complexity on the affairs of humanity:
We were made Good. Very Good indeed.
And yet, Evil breeds within each one of us.
The Sine wave swells and crashes,
Good and Evil clashes within the human heart.
And that tension tears my Self apart—
Or at least leaves me weary from nearly endless introspection.
Suspicion soaking my very Self,
I’m left drenched with a distasteful distrust of Bruce.
I need to let loose,
Need to free Me from such strict supervision.
As I lock myself down, controlled like a prison.
I just can’t continue cross-examining my mind.

So, what other options do I find?
If I leave the bible behind me, go sailing on the sea of meta-narrative arcs and valleys,
What worldview should I see myself through?

Materialism/atheism/an accidental humanity:
This story doesn’t really give any answers.
Secular society largely sees human nature as good.
But wouldn’t you expect evolution to produce hard fists instead of tender hearts?
If the only goal that matters is surviving long enough to spread your seed,
How could we monkeys be fundamentally good?
Of course, good and evil don’t even exist
And freewill is most likely an illusion—
This Cartesian plane just seems to be empty:
(It can’t function)
Maybe it’s true but it’s not a liveable worldview.

So do I pendulum back to Christianity?
Do I wave goodbye to my doubts and push upwards for another peak?
No, I seek a better frequency!
A better way to graph reality and understand me.
This journey isn’t over yet.

I could go the way of the agnostic,
Submit to the cryptic nature of the cosmos
And admit: “I just don’t know!”
Perhaps I can hold my hands open to possibility,
Allowing reality to remain a mystery.
Maybe there’s no equation or line that could define life’s complexity,
Perhaps my energy is better spent focusing on the tangible things in front of me.
What if I don’t need a framework to work from?
Maybe some questions don’t have answers.
And I think I have something to learn here:
Epistemological humility, accepting uncertainty,
Finding ways to thrive in the middle of the mist.
But if I’m honest I’m not ready to stop here just yet.
I can’t just let go of my quest to know The Story.
Can’t bring myself to believe that this journey for purpose has no objective destination.

So as I seek some sort of capital A: Arrival
Why don’t I just slide back into the Bible?
It has beauty, clarity and maybe even revival,
But the survival of my Self is at stake.
My bones ache from constant yielding,
Heart breaks from requisite distrust.
I just can’t give away any more agency.

So I set my sights on Abundant Divine Energy,
Infinite Possibility waiting for me to resonate.
It tells me I am Great, worthy of many miracles,
That the Manacles of Self-Doubt
Are the only things blocking blessing from entering my orbit.
It is appealing, this permission to prioritize my own mission,
Make my own way forward with divinity at my back.
It is an attractive worldview and I want it to be true.
Granted, it seems a bit too self-serving,
Graphing exponential positivity on the axis of my proclivities.
But maybe my objections are just issues of relativity,
And this high level of esteem only seems extreme
Cause I’ve practiced doubting myself for so long.
Regardless, this looks like a shift in the right direction,
Maybe not my final destination but a step towards peace in my own presence.

I want to approach life from the right angle.
I want a story that makes sense of the spectrum of experience,
A worldview that is functional,
A believable way to thrive.

I want to be fully, truly alive.
Not side-tracked on tangents or stuck in circles.
So I cycle onwards,
My emotions riding up and down as I learn my way forward.