I’m searching for new motivation,
A new reason not to stay stationary.
An inner drive to move,
Break through stagnation.
When the voice of Apathy asks me a big fat “WHY?”
How do I respond?
What is my answer?
Why bother?
Why muster up energy?
My motivation became a casualty
When my faith fell apart.
It is merely one of many things to mourn,
One piece of this grief puzzle.
But perhaps it was in trouble long before my faith was.
Maybe my inner drive has been barely alive for years,
Just jolted off of death’s door by divine placebo.
Perhaps the perception of God’s Will covered the absence of my own,
As my inner motivation was swallowed in the ultimate External.
Did the Grand Narrative mask the lack of my own story?
Or was my agency stolen and sacrificed to an illusion?
This is one of life’s many mysteries,
But presently I feel heavy.
Inertia thick, my feet stick as I try to dance.
I want to be more than a puppet on a string,
But in cutting loose, I’m just lying on the floor.
Or flopping around aimlessly.
There’s got to be a way to move MYSELF!
Some catalyst other than a Divine Other.
Maybe the answer is to love myself,
Let my desires matter enough to take action.
And while I have some caution, not wanting to become a narcissist,
This deep investment in me seems like the only reasonable possibility.
Am I sufficient reason to act?
Am I a cause worth living for?
Is my story worthy of my full dedication?
More mysteries, but it’s my best bet for next steps.
So I want to practice love for Bruce: past, present and future.
I want to grow comfortable in my own skin, at peace with my own presence.
I want to enjoy my Bruceness and celebrate Self.
I want to take my own desires and pain seriously, doing good towards the man in the mirror.
I want to stand tall, not posing but confidently taking up space.
I’m tired of wasting my moments, tired of this distrust so deeply wired.
I’m done with the control that moulds me into the image of another.
I’m leaving behind the pressure to yield, submit, to die.
So I try another tactic, start a new chapter.
I’m going after an elevation of self:
Esteem, Trust, Respect.
If I need to course-correct then I trust that I will.
But I must instill a sense of value in my own story,
Give myself permission to prioritize this mission purely for my own sake.
I must take another step on this journey, wherever it may lead.
For now I need to believe that there is weight to my own welfare,
I need to care, actively, about what happens to me.
I must see that I matter…and act accordingly.
The Varied Creations of Bruce Narbaitz 